Whether you want to believe it or not is your choice, but there is a power out there far more dangerous than anything that this world can throw at us. He is preying on us stalking in the night, clocking himself as beautiful, worthy and everything we could desire. Him and his fallen lurk in our rooms at night while we sleep whispering in our ears telling us we are unworthy, we are unlovable, that we are undesirable. He slowly tears you down. Brick by brick, emotion by emotion, insecurity after insecurity. He has to because he is scared to face us any other way. He knows he has no chance when we stand in the Almighty’s power, so he attacks us at our weakest, because he is scared of us. For so long he has done this to me. Using myself against me. Letting me defeat myself. Telling me that I will never be the man I long to be. I will never be able to take care of my family. I will never make a difference in this world. There is a battle going on around us greater than any we have ever read about and he has done a great job of equipping me with the power to stay out of this battle. He has used my emotions against me. Turned me into my own worse enemy because he is scared. Scared that I will realize the potential that God has equipped me with. But he made one mistake, one flaw in his game plan. He started telling those that I love and care for more than anything in this world the same things he told me. I will not stand for that. I will not sit by and let him tell the people I love that they are worthless. I will not sit by and let him tell the people I care about that they have nothing to offer. I will not sit by and let him tell the people I would die for that no one loves them. I have had enough of him make the people I love sad. Listen to me very carefully, everyone of you is beautiful. Everyone of you are a son or daughter to the Greatest Being in the universe. You are his sons and daughter, his princes and princesses. We were left in charge of this world so why do we let Satan run it? I for one am tired of standing by, tired of not making a difference, tired of letting him push us around.
Well I once again changed my training program before it even started. I want to see how I like it this time before i post it. I haven’t started running yet. My foot is feeling much better but still alittle tender to run. I have started doing lower body work so thats good. I am hope to start running on Sunday, but then again I thought that last week so we shall see.
We if there is anything this horrible week off from train ( I know its good for you) has given me its a new spirit and plan for my workouts. So I thought I would let those of you who don’t really care know whats going on.
My new Plan
Sunday
AM- ME lift (Upper push/lower pull or Upper Pull/lower push)
PM- Soccer or sprins
Monday
AM-5k run
PM- Bodyweight metcon
Tuesday
AM- Run Burpee combo
PM- Weight Metcon
Wednesday
Rest
Thursday
AM-5k
PM- Heavy metcon
Friday
AM- Run Burpee combo
PM-Metcon
Saturday
Rest
every couple of weeks i might take a monday off just to give my body an extra rest day but this is the plan for summer. I will also be running a half marathon in August with my wife and our best pal. I want to see how little i can train for it and still complete it in a good time.
I have no idea where this post is going to take me. I have no real thought or direction, no predetermined idea of what I want to write about. This could end up being the shortest of longest post I have ever written, I just don’t know.
Since moving to Wheaton I have never really found my place, where I fit in. It doesn’t even feel like home yet. I feel horrible for saying that because I don’t want my wife to think that I don’t feel at home with her, I do just not in this town or state yet. I have a real hard time connecting with people. To be honest I’m scared to because once you connect with someone you know have lost all control. It is no longer in your hands and I don’t like that. I don’t even like letting my wife drive, not because she is a woman or a bad driver, but because I don’t have control. Everything has to fit perfectly in my little world inside my head. Everything did fit perfectly to until I moved to Wheaton. Nothing has gone right, well at least to me. I push people away and try not to make friends and my excuse is they don’t understand me. The reality is I don’t want them to understand me. Because if they understand me they might make me a better person. If i become a better person then what excuse will I have if I fail. I need excuses because I can’t man up enough to take the reality of truth. I think that’s what makes me struggle with God. I know I should give myself to him fully, but when I do I will lose all the excuses that i have to make me feel better. If I finally have the prayer life that I say i desire then I wont have the excuse of my prayer life not be what it should that’s whats wrong. It makes me sick. I say I want to live by this high code, the desire to show the world what a true man is. I will tell you the first thing a true man doesn’t do, make excuses.
Is this why I so scared to make this place my home. What if people do get to know me and the real me they discover is someone totally different then who I thought I was. What if I let them down, what if I put everything into something only to screw it up. Then people will see me for what I really am. I want them to see I have it all together. I want them to see that I am strong and confident. Why can’t they see that Greg? Does he even exist? What if I give myself to people fully and they don’t want it. What if I finally open that door only to see know one standing on the other side. That is why I have kept it closed for so long. If I can’t see whats on the other side, then I can make myself imagine what I want to be there. What if I am not really scared of letting people down, but actually scared of people letting me down. That is what has stopped me from entering almost every relationship i have ever been in. Thank God i found someone who loved me enough to push me after what I really wanted.
I think if I don’t look at myself positively then i have my excuse for failing at impacting someone. I can just tell myself, you tried your best, but you know your best has never been good enough. A positive person wouldn’t look at it as failure, but as Satan trying to stop him because he is scared. When I first started working with the youth group i was frustrated because I didn’t know where to make an impact. I kept complaining about not fitting in, and I wanted to quite. Lauren told me that I wasn’t fitting in, because I wasn’t letting people know me. I’m scared to let people know me. Sometimes it scares me because I look at what I could achieve, if only I was willing to give up the fear of failing.
But even bigger than that is I think I have a fear of succeeding. I think I have grown comfortable in this role of not quite knowing. What if i step out of this comfort zone of fear and I actually make it. What then, is that it? Are you just happy? Not living in fear. I don’t know what this feels like.
For those of you who know what I’m trying to do with my life, I got really good news that has brought me one giant step closer.
I’ll be waving my hand watching you drown
Watching you scream
Quiet or loud
And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need, a friend
As clumsy as you’ve been
There’s no one laughing
You will be safe in here
You will be safe in here
If i fall tonight, will you still say you love me
what if i couldn’t climb up from the pits
Will you still be there to hold me
And what about my hand, what it if slips
Will you still be there to catch me
And what of my life, what if it ends
Will i still be a memory
I had a great weekend . My boys Kyle and Mike cam out to visit and it was just what I have needed. We did nothing but enjoy each others company (and watch a crap load of movies). They got out here on Firday night, we then went and say Iron Man and stayed up until 2 in the morning ( I haven’t been up that late in a long time). It is great how we can go months without seeing each other and when we get together its like we have never been apart. They are great guys and I hope you get a chance to get to know them. Guys I miss you already, we have to do this more often.
Now the only downside to this whole weekend is after one of our famous runs we do when ever we get together on Saturday, my left food started hurting real bad. I didn’t think much of it and figured it would feel fine in the morning, however the next day when i tried to run I soon realized that something was really wrong. Now I can’t put any pressure on it at all, and it hurts even when i am sitting. So what I have decided to do, is to stop running for the time being ( this is going to drive me crazy) and not do any lower body lifting (which will drive me even more crazy). I am going to spend this week focusing on my upper body and some gound work on the heavy bag and see if my foot heals up at all. I hope it does because i am to run a 5k on Saturday, but we will just have to see. I will keep you guys updated and whats going on.
