What drives you? What makes you “you”. I know in my life it has always been that driving force to be important. To have someone say they are better because of me. That my life made them who they are. But why? Why do I need this. I was talking to a really close friend a couple weeks ago and she said to me “Greg, when I’m old I want to know i lived life well, with no regrets. I don’t want any do overs…I want to know I made a diffrence.” This got me thinking, you see this freind and I we have like our own languge. We have things we say to each other that make people look at us and go “What are they talking about?” Things we say to each other if we hear the other complaining, things to say just as a pick me up and things just to laugh. But one of our sayings has to do with regrets, and the truth is, my life is full of them. Moments that I want a redo in, moments that I wish i could take back what I did or said. I would love to say they are all in the distant past, but the truth is they go all the way up to last night. So how do we get there? When can we honestly feel good about what we did no matter how the situation might turn out? I don’t know but I wish I did. Let me go back a little bit to what I said earlier about wanting to be remember. All my life I have looked up to people who have been remembered through out history. People that seem to have that one defining moment in time where everyone looks back and says “That’s how they will be remembered!” My whole life I have lived for this momemt, lived for a situation to shine where people would say “That’s why he is here, thats what he was called to do!” But did these situations happend by chance to these people? Did they set our looking for them? Or did it happen because of who they are, how they lived there life. Is the big picture of your life one defining moment? Or is it all the little snap shots that when people look back they see and say “That is who they are because of all of those moments” Are these people remembered because of that one moment? Or because how they lived their life set them up for that chance, that chance for everyone to see. Like I said my entire life I have been living for that one moment, when people siil stand up and say one day “That was Greg!” But I keep letting the little snap shots slip by. I know this kid that over the last year the two of us have gotten extremly close. I don’t know how or why, it just happened, I look back and see that in the beginning I wasn’t trying, i wasn’t trying to be someone to this kid, I wasn’t trying to be their hero, I was just being Greg, just loving the crap out of them. They didn’t need me every second of everyday, but they knew where to go when they did need someone. But then the worst thing that could happen, happened. They told me I was important, they told me I was their hero. And ever since then I have forgotten what made our friendship great, I forgot the little things that made us the partners in crime we were. Every moment I tried to live up to this expectation of what they saw in me, tried to always say the right thing, sound smart, sound deep, tell them how much I loved them whenever I could, Be there all the time and try to fix everything when sometimes they needed to do it on their own. It didn’t mean I didn’t love them anyless, but I wasn’t letting them grow, I was trying to shelter and fix everything. But thats not what made us close, not what made us family. I forgot to laugh with them, and cry with them, joke with them and show my love to them. I started being everything they didn’t need. This kid didn’t want me to act like their hero, they just wanted me to be there hero, and the hero was just Greg. And now, well I don’t know now, I don’t know what I am to this kid anymore, I know I’m not there person I started out to be, I know I changed because I stated to act and try to be someone to them instead of just being Greg. I told you eariler that in my life there are lots of things that I regret, that I want a redo in. I lied, there is only one. I want a redo, I want to start over, and I want to be Greg again, to laugh with you and cry with you. I realized now that I have to work on the little snap shots. It doesn’t matter who it think I am, or who I want to be. What matters is how I live my life now, to truly live with no regrets, to trully want no do-overs.
